Respect vs fear.

Imagine, in a conversation, you have been asked about something you know the other person won't like. Let's say it's something the other person doesn't know you did. For each part of the question I'm about to ask, picture yourself in the situation and think of how you would feel, and what your first thought is.

The question is, when are you most likely to admit a mistake: when you're afraid of the other person? What about when you respect the  person you're talking to? How about in a situation where you feel respected by the other person, and you respect them in turn?

Most people are more likely to hide the truth if they're afraid. It's natural to want to protect yourself from negative consequences, regardless of whether you feel you did anything wrong.

In fact, if that other person is already angry, and you're afraid of their reaction, the last thing a sane person would do is say something that would make them turn their anger on you.

When you respect the other person, you're more likely to tell them the truth. You feel a certain level of trust in their self control, their sound judgment, and their ability to handle what you might say. It might be painful to admit something, but you have a sense that being dishonest would cost you more with this person than telling the truth, even if you lose some status in their eyes.

When you share mutual respect, you have no reason not to tell the other person the truth, because you know they won't judge you for what you did wrong. You won't feel shamed, because you know that they accept you for who you are. And if there's a problem, they'll try to help you solve it, learn from it, and move past it. You know before you tell them that you're already forgiven, and you know that whatever they tell you, you've already forgiven them. Both of you look for solutions, or just listen to and understand each other.


If you want to know the truth,  you have to make it the lowest-cost response.

Luck takes work.

You make your own luck when you start working smarter. Working hard isn't always the best way to work. Your effort may come to nothing, or drain you of the energy you need to achieve what you really want. Remember the fable of the man who spent his life struggling to climb a vast wall, only to find, when he reached the top, that he'd climbed the wrong wall.

 Working smart requires planning. You may not know exactly how you'll complete each step, but if you know where you want to end up, and spend some time learning how others are getting there, you'll start to make the map you need to get where you want to be.

That late morning sick day call.

A mid-level manager once confessed to me, "When people call in sick I can't help thinking they're lying." The supervisor of a department in another company asked me what she could do to stop employees from taking sick days. She fully believed that one in particular was "lying" when he said he had a backache and couldn't come in. She acknowledged that the man was in his late forties, and had a job history that had included a lot of strenuous physical labor in the past. In my own position as manager, I've gotten calls that ranged from a perky sounding claim of insomnia to losing first one family member then another in strange circumstances in rapid succession. You probably have examples of your own to add. So what can we do?

The answer is, almost nothing. Even if you're sure the person is "faking it," you're in a better position if you let it slide. If you're wrong, you undermine your own authority. Even if you're right, other employees (and some higher-level managers) will think less of you for making an issue of it. You'll create resentment in your department, even if only one employee is problematic.And resentment can lead to a range of passive-aggressive responses from even the most reliable employees.

You could trade resentment for complicity.The head of a graphics department in a large ad agency had several designers who'd occasionally call in sick as late as 11 am after a night of partying, which meant he had to scramble to find freelancers. He solved the problem this way: he told them that if they knew they might call in sick, to let him know in advance so he could plan ahead. But not everyone is comfortable making a compromise like that. For one thing, he put himself in a bad position to complain about absenteeism during reviews. For another, those who didn't take off for hangovers began taking sick days as informal personal days, rather than just the few heavy drinkers.

You could advocate for a company switch from discrete sick/vacation/personal days to paid time off (PTO) days. If you're not familiar, this allows employees to take a the same number of days, either planned (vacation/personal days) or unplanned (sick days). The trick is that if they don't use the sick days, they get to use them as vacation days. That means many employees call in less often, and try to "save" time off for their planned trips instead. You can ask employees to give you a couple of days notice for a single day off, unless they're actually sick. The disadvantages are that most employees will use all their PTO days (rather than having a few unused sick days by the end of the year), or sick employees will come to work to save their PTO days. (Keep in mind that some employees will do this anyway, either out of misguided work ethic or because they've used up their sick days for the year already.)

When you feel someone is taking advantage of the system, you're going to hold them at arm's length. But look at the whole person: is he or she a valuable member of your team? Is it likely you could replace them with someone more responsible?  If you want to keep your employee, you're going to have to let go of your concern. That said, it's one thing if you're feeling suspicious about one person. If you feel this way about all of your employees, there's a possibility the problem is with your perception.